Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
