Just mADE A PArabola og urine
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
