There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
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I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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