Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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