my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
