I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
