the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize