There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
