no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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