I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
