YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
