If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
