All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
