Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
