Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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