Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We were destined to go to rehab together
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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