woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
