at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
