I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
