You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Randomize
