Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
