If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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