Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Randomize
