R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
