Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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