Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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