Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
tell me about the eggs
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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