why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
