Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
