Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
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The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
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You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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