You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
