You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
