I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
now i know why i became what i already was.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
