Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
