Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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