Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
