Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
