I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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