also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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