i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
