Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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