i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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