how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
