i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
