I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
