So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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