I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Green mimosas i think yes
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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