She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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