I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize