just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
