had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
