just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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