it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
