im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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