I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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